Whatver.

I'm such in a 'whatever' mood today. Seriously whatever. I'm feeling so exhausted these few days i don't know why. Have not been feeling well and good also. I hate this feeling. Maybe it's just the stress I'm facing each day. It's an amazingly hectic life I'm going through. Sometimes i wish I'm still in my childhood days. Where i have nothing to worry about. No responsibilities. Just a carefree life. Sleep, play, eat and of course receiving endless love, care and concern.

OK whatever to that. I opened to check on my blog and the first thing i read was Kak Sal's tag. She reminded me that my birthday's just around the corner. Well, i hate to admit this but actually i fear of my own big day. Nothing excites me when it comes to my birthday. Just tonnes of fear.

4 years ago, i was really ill during my birthday. Was admitted in and out of hospital because of acute bronchitis. 3 years ago, i lost my hand phone at home when i was having my birthday party. 2 years ago, i celebrated my birthday with just nobody but tears. I thought i could celebrate it with someone so special to me as promised but i didn't know i was hoping for too much. I was utterly hurt and yep my birthday ended with just tears of loneliness. & a year ago, i celebrated my birthday with just myself again. Though it was the year i found my love, the love one have to go somewhere far leaving me alone.

So you see, nothing special. No beautiful, interesting surprises happen on my birthday. Simply nothing. Not like most of you who will get fantastic surprises and presents. At times i do envy those people. Even the closest people around me feel that my birthday is just like any other day for me. But, oh well, i accept life just as it is. I shall not complaint much because i know i still have people who love me as much even if they don't remember it's my birthday. I'm blessed still to have my family. They may not be as rich to give me expensive presents but their presence is enough to make me the happiest girl on the big day.

Yeah so, birthday is just something i don't really look forward to. Adding on to it, i gain a year older each time my birthday comes, which means I'm getting older! Ha ha... so no biggie. & so my birthday falls on a festive month this year. My mum insist that we'll do something this year but nah I'm not agreeing to it. After much thinking, i guess, there isn't much to celebrate about. So i said thanks to my mum, maybe we could just give it a pass for my birthday thingy.

So last word for the day. Whatever.

It was a long tiring, lethargic and exhausting day at work. Had oral exam with the P2 after curriculum time just now. I felt so sad that i have to give this Malay girl a big Zero because she just gave up and says that 'she don't know how to read'. I tried to prompt her and helped her through the phonics way but she totally refuse to try. I have no other choice but to be fair with my grading system.

I was still in a dilemma, choosing between Wheelock college and NIE. I guess Lin too. But whatever my decision is going to be, I still asked Mr Azhar for an appraisal/testimonial since i have been teach at BLGPS for quite some time already. Thus, this means that i have more work to do now. VP's coming to last period of class on Friday to check all the books. Argh!! I am so dead if he's gonna really checked my class's Maths workbook! Like SO dead! I am so used to being assessed mainly on my teaching and lesson plans in the Early Childhood Field, so when it comes to assessing the way i teach & mark, i think I'm going to be so dead!! Grr....

Amidst the tight schedule just now, RH called to say my baju raye is ready for collection. Ya Allah, malas pulak nak amek! Must go Geylang like again. I used to love going there for the food but now, i'm just too tired to walk and walk.

Great VP's checking the pupil's book on Friday and i have yet to finish marking my spelling book, compo, Eng practice paper, science test! Matilah Yus!! Dush!

Strange

It's strange how we quarrelled and argued. Then make it up to it, like so fast. After which we laughed about it. Gosh, i guess these are all the things that enlightened our relationship. My day's not complete without his presence. Love is such a strange thing. Sometimes i wonder how this love thing really works for people. Ish!

Apart from that, I've seen a few heartbreaks this month. It scares me because it happens to someone so close and dear to me. It's true when i say we girls are meant to love only one guy in our life. But guys, they can love 2, 3, 4 girls at the same time. Life's strange nah? What you did to her was just so mean. When you're not honest from the start, don't expect to get her heart at all. These little things makes me fear of being in love.

Nevertheless, everyone have their flaws. That includes me and my love, Sham. How bad he is, i still dare to say that he's the most patient guy i ever seen. Thanks syg for being ever so patient, tolerating my mood and everything.

& to 'that person', you hurt her again, you just watch out. My family is out to get you. You have the money so what? We have our pride and you can never let us down just like that! Ass!

It's Twentieth.

19 months back, on a beautiful night,
he brought me to a lovely place,
and we dance the night to this lovely song.
How i wish time will just stop that very moment.

smiles.

Okay the picture is random. But i love that smile. =)

When hardwork is being paid off.
I feel absolutely relieve, satisfied and not to mention...
H to the A to the P to the P to the Y = HAPPY

Thank God!

I don't like yesterday.

I feel so rejuvenated after few days of hell & nights of tears.
Yesterday was indeed a frustrating + sad + irritated + tired + worried + sick = exhausted day.
After all that happened, his words just rejuvenate me.
It's been sucha long time since those words comes from the dearest him.
His words of assurance just make me feel all better again.
But 15th September was bad bad bad bad bad!
How i wished i have his shoulder to cry on.

Those few months hadn't been a good one either.
Really hope to see him soon.
It's strange how i'm like crazily in love and miss him when he's not by my side.
But when we meet, we'll either quarrel or argue.
His rare calls is enough to make me on cloud 9 and forget all my problems and worries.
Haha... guess 'Marah marah sayang' do exist. Hur hur...
I wonder what would become of me when he starts sailing.
Gosh, i so don't want that day to come. :(

Some Story

Thanks to Luqman Hakim for the Fish & Co treat! & thanks to these 2 man for the wonderful day that friday. After some time i started being crazy and laugh so much again. I realise something, i think Di & me have this best friend telepathy or something. Haha... we always, co-incidentally wore the same colour when we meet. Just like that time when Man & me gave him a birthday surprise. See... black again.

Man spoil ah takder the same telepathy. He's colour is so out!
Hahaha.... && hidup Mustafa la ehh! Wahahahahahaha..... Cheerios!

If life's a remote control...

I could feel the rush of my adrenaline as i turned to my left, and saw a full speeding vehicle approaching me instead of you chasing to grab my hands. My heart skipped a beat and droplets of tears began rolling down my cheeks. Covering those tears just so you wouldn't notice, I began questioning myself, why wouldn't you there for me? Why was i left alone? & when I'm alone again, my mind wonders for the answer. Which then i realise that I'm losing you. I'm losing the 'you' whom i knew a few months back. The 'you' who will never let go of my hands wherever i go. The 'you' who was full of love and affection. I miss it so much. & now when i start reminiscing the past, i began to collect buckets and buckets of tears.

I'm tired of what life have put me through (though i know i shouldn't be feeling this way). How unfair life can be yet i still love you as much. At times i wonder why isn't there any explanation to it. & for other yous' who have been with me since the day i get to see the light. When you don't approve to my future and my only hope, my heart sank. I felt so crushed and weak. I'm stuck between love and life. I never want options because i want both. But why is life so cruel that we have to make sacrifices all the time. With so much sacrifices, how can anyone enjoy life?

I believe there isn't any single soul who could understand how i truly feel right now. What more understanding this entry of mine. I just thought i could just pen down my thoughts here. Trying very hard to put it to nice words so that sorrows sounds like joy and joy sounds like little giggles that are able to accompany this loneliness throughout the night.

'Hope'. The word that I've always been using. Practically because I've been hoping and hoping that things will get better for us each passing day. With that word too, i dared to dream for our future. The future that will not only bring two hearts together but also a complete home just like a jigsaw puzzle without any missing parts. When you decided to find other people instead of me a moment ago, my heart felt terribly painful. Like it was just stabbed by a very sharp knife. I was weakened by your actions. Maybe i was 'hoping' too much but i can't help doing it because you have been my only hope and it will always be come what may.

I have always been looking forward for my future. Since young, thinking about my future will carve a smile on my face. Least did i know that besides having other phobias and fear, i have no other fears but just my future. My biggest fear now, having to live life without you, brings the greatest impact in my life. I i know falling too deep only results in hurt and separation, i will never allow myself to fall ever. I never dared to close my eyes anymore to dream about the future. But if i could, I'd rather live in the past because i was much happier back then. If only life's a remote control... everyone would be satisfied.

Opposites attract

I've been pondering, and wondering over this term again and again as soon as i woke up today. 'Opposites attract'. Don't know what comes into me that I start questioning myself, does it even exist? If they don't, then why is this term created in the first place? Maybe my mind was at whirl and I began to lay down the similarities and differences. Which then, i realised when there's too many diffrences can a relationship be said, 'happily ever after'.

When two people come together and vowed to live life together, the most important factor here is definately the commitment and mutual understanding with each other. But when disagree between two parties starts occuring, how can couples survive each passing day without that sheer satisfaction and happiness with the decisions made? I really hope to know if 'Opposite Attract' really happens to couples and that can couples who shared mostly differences and not similarities live together under one roof and lead a happy life together. I tried browsing through the net and did some readings. I came across this article title, Opposite attract but marry?'. I don't know how reliable it is but sme portions of it sounds kindda true. For those who's interested to check it out. Just click on the article title that is in bold. Alright, pardon my curiosity for today.

It's strange how a stranger can pour out what's in their heart and at the end of the day both felt at thier best. Thanks Muz for the great Wednesday. I was too sick to go anywhere with her after work so she decided to come over to my crib. & of course we had loadsa things to say to each other despite knowing each other for less than 2 months. It was sucha blessing to meet her and be one of her friends. May you find your Mr Right soon babe!

Working in BLGPS had been a joy. Besides the work load as a form teacher, I met beautiful friends that always cheer up my day. Apart from Muz darling, Aliff have been such an entertainer at work. Was surprised to receive a beautiful sunflower on my desk that Tuesday morning. I've always love sunflower and roses. Thanks so much Mister, may you get that girl that you are falling like water. :) And then the Boost chocolate from Muz. And the first person who will give me a warm morning greeting, Andrea then Cikgu Sunari. They just make my day despite of the hectic day i face every day. Thanks so much colleagues. Appreciate your presence in my life.

My heart sank as i browse through some webpages. I shall not state where. It's just the actions someone so dear to me took. It just shows how much it has faded as time flies. Only question left, Why must you do that? I can't help it but tears have been rolling down my cheeks as i stared blankly at my laptop screen. I'm so hurt by it i don't know why. Just so terribly hurt.

Those few days was hell for me. Being me who will just bottle things up, my family have been really sucha darling. They have always been the one supporting me in whatever i do. Can't imagine what's gonna happen to me without them. Hope this Ramadhan brings a ray of light and hope for me to face the future ahead that's full of obstacles and challenges. Happy fasting people!

My only birthday wish:
"I hope this pimple on my forehead that has long been there will disappear like totally. real soon!" =(

And as quoted by haq in his blog:
"Love, you are enjoying it, i'm the one bleeding."

Much love,
Yus