Goodbye hope.

Last day of 2011. A year full of beautiful memories.

& I shall end it with this song in which the song accompanied you nearly 5 years ago, to go down on your knees for me.
How I miss it.

But memories remains as memories forever.

As a matter of fact, true enuf, I was always alone on new year's eve but this time is different, it's without your love.

& this will be the last and final time I'm listening to this.
Goodbye 2011, goodbye hope, goodbye love.

How?

Sometimes I just want to know, how are you without me?
How did you manage to forget all memories?

How did you manage to move on?

How did you manage to forget love?

Or there wasn't any love to start with?

A month after.
But I'm still keeping it.
Still hanging on to memories.

Because I have nothing left, not to love, not for anything.
I am just empty.

I had enough of being the goody to shoes.
It doesn't pay to be nice.
It's time to show the world how dangerous I can be this time.

The thought of leaving this world always occur to me.
One day, I might just really take my leave.
For good because its easier said than done.

Tears again...

I teared looking at these.
Indeed, I'll miss these people.
But I got to be strong and move on from the life I have in my past.

I still can't believe it that this is happening to me.
It seems just yesterday, I was in your arms and you held me tight.

=(

No more 20th!

Indeed, 20th has ended with so much pain.
Goodbye world.

Lost.

Tapi kini kau pergi
Membawa mimpi ku
Meragut cinta ku
Merobek angan ku
Sirna segalanya
Musnah semuanya
Ku hanyut di kesepian

You used to say, "To love someone does not mean you will have them." So now you can really see how much I truly love you. Thanks for everything, indeed, I was just the 'Only Hope' you used to say. What we hope for, we don't always get them. A lesson learnt for me, one should not hope so much. It leaves you with just hurt, hurt and many more hurt.

Amidst all...

Despite the dump, hurt, taken for granted and disappointment, i am still missing, missing, missing, missing, missing, missing, missing, missing, missing you like crazy.

Who'd save me from all this pain? Apparently, noone understands. I'm too weak already. Really.

Little Joys

Sleepless nights are waived by little joys by little ones. The ones you hated cheered this crushed heart.

Memories

I wish it can vanish that easily but memories are too strong to be erased and forgotten. Memories torment me every single day.

It weakens me so bad. I'm so ruin.

Forgotten?

My eyes are wet as rain with the sorrow of the pain.

I've nothing left in this deserted path.

Save me. How strong can I be?

Please...

Love continues cz...

Few years ago, in November, i lost someone so dear forever.

This November, you left me forever.

Next November, i guess i'm going to leave this world forever.

Again.

Single.

Some happiness left as yet...

Didn't know there's still people who reads this blog. Hmm...

Anyways, I was so afraid that my darling baby Nadia will be withdrawing as well with my dear Hesper.
Each time she is not in school, I get so anxious.
Hesper is leaving, one source of happiness is leaving me.
Don't want Nadia to leave me as well.

Besides these children, I don't see the reason to smile every single day.

I find this really meaningful:

"You don't love her. You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, she was just good for your ego. Or, maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her. Because you don't destroy people you love."

Still, it is definitely not wrong for her to fall so deeply in love.

What the heart says...

The only mistake I made was to fell in love with you.

Secretly, I cried because you gave me so much sorrow.

You ignorant, wicked one who inflict every tyranny on me.

My love for you will never lessen.

& I swear it on the tears I shed for you.

For I have truly loved you.

& will always continue to love only you.

Too numb.

I think I should be there.

Yusliza, wake up!
He's just not that into you.
Disappointments after disappointments.
& that's when tears dried up on its own.
Still hanging on strongly though to hope and faith.

Those words.

Yes, i sleep like a pig just so i wouldn't trouble you with my never ending problems.

Yes, i sleep like a pig just so i get back the peace of my heart.

Yes, i sleep like a pig to get rid of the loneliness i feel with or without you.

Yes, i have to sleep like a pig because i choose to keep on loving you come what may and through my dreams, i see our beautiful future.

If i don't even have the right to do this, i shall take my leave just so you will stay happy forever and always because it matters to me.

It doesn't make any difference as i will keep on loving with or without you.

The only difference is, i'm not fortunate to have you as my own and for you to own me as a part of you.

These words comes from the heart and it has not been quoted by any hindi movies that i simply love to watch all the time.

Yesterday was neither a threat nor a test. It was actually a heavy decision which I should have made long ago but i was just too weak back then. I still am now but i told myself to stay strong for you, you and only you. For your happiness which you can never get from me.

I still prefer to blog even now because I am sure noone listens. Even if they do, they just wouldn't understand. I thank god, i still have this means to run away from being too depressed with reality for a while.

I'm just so shattered.

At long last.

A great weekend.

:)

Zilch

These few days hasn't been good. Don't know if I was PMS-ing though. If it is, it sure do affect me badly. If affected the way I usually control my emotions. Gosh!

For now, I just hope I'm going to have a happy, birthday this year. Seriously not expecting or asking for much. I just want a happy 4th October for once! That's all.

I'm so sick and tired of being left.
Even when I have anyone around, i'm always treated as though I have no freaking emotions and feelings!
I'm not a freaking robot/ doll/ toys whatever!!!
Urgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Run away... RUN!!!!!!

Let's run, run from all the mess in life! Life has been all about work work and more work. Nevertheless, I thank Allah for giving me another chance to celebrate Eid with my beloved family and my one and only. Another year of red and hope to have many many more to come.

There's so many differences in perceptions between us thus far. Yet, it's amazing how we can still be together tolerating each other till now. I hope we'll continue to overcome all odds and obstacles in future. Patience is the virtue to all success. Dear God, please bless us with more more love, wealth and health in these many many years to come. Amin.

Work have been hectic. What more when I am still unable to possess driver's license. Annoying! I'm always rushing here and there. I'm practically so exhausted nowadays. Goodness. Birthday is coming. Don't know if I should be excited or happy about it. It's just another year to be old. Grrr... I don't believe in wish list but don't miracle happen? Like seriously. I just wish I could get these things which I long been wanting, no needing actually. But ouh well...

1. Laptop (Not a netbook. It's so hard to do my work with a netbook. Gees...)
2. Digital Camera (Any kind would do as again it's hard to snap pictures of my kids during events and all. Currently using my ipohone to do the job. Takes up space, godness!)
3. External hardisk (500GB is enough)

Okay but well, girls too usually, no mostly, have their wants too. So basically these are the actual wants:

1. Kate Spade purse
2. Marc by Marc Jacob's handbag
3. Pant suit (Preferably the ones in Cotton On)
4. Wedge (okay is that how it's spelt? If there's my size that is.)
5. Forever 21 shoe. (The old school kindda design.)
6. Corset (The one in Far East, the one with leopard prints.)

& the weird weird wants cum wish... I don't know how it can be fullfilled though:

1. Go USS to take pictures of cute cute characters there and some rides (Because technically, I'm totally afraid of those high, fast roller coaster rides but this is not that weird though.)
2. Go Skypark and have someone taking pretty2 pictures of Sham and me. (Preferably jumps shots)
3. Have some professionals teaching me salsa all over again.
4. Go for free hair thickening treatment.

Hahaha.... nonsense! So much for wishlist! Sungguh tak bermakne. Ahh... crap. Bye world.

Perhaps I will only be yours when I'm less of a problem for you. & who said patience is a virtue? Patience are just tormenting.

The blessings of our twentieth.
Alhumdulilah!

Memories

Look! It's my old scandal, Samsung F480 (now with a rubberband). The phone whins in my relationship. Reading through old messages from Sham makes me giggles so much too. Hee...

Actually I miss blogging over littlest things. Or rather I miss posting pictures and blog about it like this. But truth is, I am just so tired each day after tuition and work that I can't seem to find luxury time to blog like I used to again.

When everything is so modernised now, I am still waiting for one apps that is blogger's app. Where I can post pictures and blog at the same time. So I don't have to use safari instead. Haha... Easier this way. If not, what the use of smartphone anyway. =)

Nevertheless, I'm not switching to tumblr or whatsnot because blogger is more like a diary to me and its been over 5 years now that I'm blogging. At timees, I still fiind myself browsing thorugh past years entries and smile over them. Then I began to realise memories stays as memories. =(

Not again, after bronchitis its...

So, been lying on the bed for 3 days straight. The only time I'm up was when i'm visiting the toilet, to eat and to go see doctor. 3 days not going to work is crazy. Can't wait to go back to work tommorrow.

This had been the worst fever I ever had! 39.5 was really crazy temperature I must say. & the second visit to see Dr Khairul then I got to know that the fever was caused by tonsilitis. It's a lump at the throat. If the pain persist, I may need to undergo operation. Scary shit. No no!!! I know that 'Doctor' look on Dr Khairul's face when he say the operation is not painful. Dengz!!

Now when I'm suppose to eat ice-cream I don't feel like having it. Since when did I say 'no' to ice-cream. Gees!!

Finally...

So finally graduated. Yesterday was commencement and it went perfectly well. Alhumdulilah. 2 years of mugging & sleepless nights finally paid off. Not as excited for it actually. Maybe because the most important person to me think its no biggie too. Well, perhaps. So whatever. It's just a pece of paper which determines our numbers. But well, this time i'm in the papers. Jeng jeng jeng... Nevertheless, Happy graduation to me! =)

Pathetic

It's pathethic to look through your contacts one by one hoping that one is free enough to go out with you during the weekends.
& when there is someone to go out with, I am just not allowed to be out with that person.
Fantastic, awesome, great!
This is how sad my life can be.

Just because i'm the more sensible one I don't get that much attention.
What I always hope and wish for will never happen.
That's why I prefer to do things on my own.

FML!

I hate being alone!!!!

I hate i hate i hate!!!!

I said it 3 times means i really mean it!

Usuals

It's either i'm alone as always and the scary thoughts began to whirl or friends prefer to just walk away.
What right do I have anymore against love?

Although it was only 3 short hours, it was indeed a great one.
He was crazily missed by yours truly.
Brought home quite a few things for me.
Belgium shirt, Egypt ship and most importantly him.
Now, that I like the most.

He brought with him movies like I hate love story and Anjaana Anjaani.
Intend to watch with him when he's back but looks like he's kindda bored at work.
Can't wait to talk about the movie with him when he's back.
To know which one he likes and all.
Oh man I sure as hell miss terribly him already now.

The littlest things that he talk about during that 3 hours we had yesterday was really an unforgettable one.
When he asked about the confirm date, him talking leave from Arpil to October next year for our wedding preparations, our ideal honeymoon and then our baby names.
He can be super random and cute at times.
No wonder I am sooo in love.

Urgh!
I officially hate him for making fall so deep.
I miss crapping with my hunneyboo!
Gees!

p/s: Finally, love like something I bought for him: The Arnold Palmer shirt. Fits him just right. My hunk!

Yet again...

Gosh I miss blogging so much.
After so long, believe it or not, I have already forgotten my password to get access to this blog.
Gees, been sooooo busy lately with new work.
Nevertheless, work have been going on fine.
Life as a principal sure do is hectic.
Thrice harder than the role of a teacher.
Still the challenge for me to take up this role has been encouraging me to constantly progress in my profession.

Love my career, love my colleagues that I'm working with and most importantly, love my children.
The cutest beings exist as for now.
Can't wait to have my own.
Preferably a boy will be good! Hahaha....

Lately, I have been watching hindustan a lot.
Of course, I've been so outdated ever since school.
So now since school is sooo over, I'm trying to catch up.

Till then, I realised, all these new movies actually,
they have crappy kindda storyline. Wth!
& I find myself watching old movies with all those nice songs again and again.
Like these ones...

Yea, miss the significant other.
No doubt.
Need him badly but manage to drown and indulge myself to other matters to get him outta my mind for maybe a few seconds.
Hahaha...

Haish.. life has been so exhaustingly draining.
Welcome Yus to the real word.

Life's a routine.

Self-entertainment is good but too much of it is suffocating and tiring.
Aftermath is just pure boredom.

This is what happen when you don't have someone you called a best friend anymore.
This is what happened when boyfriend is so far away.
Everything spells L.O.N.E.L.Y.

& when someone I long for is coming back soon, I still have butterfly in my stomach.
Can't help it because the past still haunt so badly.
Nightmare fills my night & it was worst than the past that had happened.
God, I hate I. :(

Lonely.

Life is so strange. Each time I try to be happy every single minute, every single hour or even every single day, I am so close to realizing the fact that I am ever so lonely. That's when I realise that I can't live in denial all the time. As much as I try to live each day to the fullest, I felt helpless because I am only pretending to be happy.

Not having that special someone to talk to everyday. Not having to talk with that special someone about how fun or how annoying your day is. Not having that special someone messaging you to even tell you he had just woke up from beauty sleep. All you get is watching your friend intensely messaging and talking to their special someone instead. Witnessing how they make plans to meet up for their dates instead. Well all this truly hurts but I know I can't run away form it. This is life. Suddenly, all that makes me happy ceased for a long time and it looks like I yearn for it so bad. This feelings is sucha pain. I hate it. Badly. Happiness visits me really short and sadness visits more long enough that I just wish I could vanish this instant.


This article makes me thinking for a while. It's rather bothering. Everybody will be telling me, "You have your family, your friends." But it's never the same. As much as I want to be independent, I want to be pampered too. To be loved, to be needed to be cared for. I hate to feel this way. I want to be stronger. I know I can but I really detest the fact that I've already fallen. So deep. All these makes me not want to be a girl anymore.

How I wish you are able to see through my silence that actually speaks a thousand words, my smile explaining the loneliness in my heart and my whirling thoughts that describe how I yearn to have the same old you.

I'm appalled still at myself for being able to make it through each day despite all the strange things happening around me.

When Bestie gets older...

Bestie's 23 now. Old old old...
Muahahaha!!
Happy birthday best friend.
May God bless you with great wealth and health always.
Will always pray for your happiness because you deserve every inch of it.

Not quite sure if he'll read this but ouh well, its from the bottom of my heart.
That picture was like 4 years ago I guess.
My orbit look explains, it's sucha a looong ago photo. Hahas.
It was his birthday too.
A surprise for him from Man and Me.

Thought of doing something for him again this year.
Planned for quite a while lately but did not carry on due to some factors.
Best friend and me were having quite some rough moments lately.
But nevetheless, we are still the best of friends and will always hope for the best for each other.

Still, miss those days back then.
When we both meet like almost everyday!
Tak reti penat!! LOL!!

Ok lah, akhir kate.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUHAMMAD RUSYDI a.k.a YUS'S BEST FRIEND.
=)

Randomness prevails

I am so hardworking nowadays to update the bloggie.
I think blog have been my best friend nowadays.
I'm like blogging at this hour with my iphone 4, while lying on the bed listening to Bruno Mars, Marry you.


Race was like a 2008 movie but I only managed to like watch it just now.
Gees, shows how school have taken much of my time.
Action research is crazy.
Reminded me of the good old days of IEP with Lin and Khai.
It was indeed tiring but it was all worthwhile.
Miss those days.


Work, school and tuition tommorrow.
I truly love to tire myself out.
Joy! ;)

Wishful thinking

With so much hope I wish you'd say this:

"Ku berikan cintaku juga sayangku
Percaya padaku ku ‘kan menjagamu
Hingga akhir waktu menjemputku
Saat ku tahu kau akan pergi jauh"

Retail Therapy Love

Let's forget sorrow.
Let's push aside misery.
Because all these will lead to nothing but pain.
Let's look at beautiful things like these...

B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L!!!
Pamper me with these and you'lll get an extra love from me.
Muahahahaha!!

Doubts

I decided to check on it again.
& great, after doing that, doubt starts increasing.

I don't know why, but I think I have to be prepared for the worst again.
To be cheated over and over again hurt so bad.
Like totally.

I don't know what's on your mind.
I don't know what exactly that you want.
All I know is your actions are hurting me terribly.

What more when I am ever so alone all the time.
I wanna feel good for once.

Who can I confide to now?
All others can say is, I brough it upon myself for being too trusting.
Is it so wrong to even love someone?
Is it a mistake to start trusting someone?

Now, I just can't help to think that whatever that someone ever told me was true.
God, what have life put me through?
I'm sucha total failure when it comes to love I guess.

An hour after midnight...

The gatal me... I just have the urge to let him see.
So there you go.
So much for trying not to be the same old mushy me, I sent it to him.
Gees... Yus oh Yus... WEAK!

When he is truly miss...

Exactly four years ago, we ended twentieth February dancing with this song.
Witnessed by the beautiful moon, we were both in truly, madly in love.
I wished even till today and the days to come, our love will continue to multiply.
Let's end the fourth twentieth with this song again.



We may separated by the seas, oceans and whatsnot, but I will always hope that, that heart of yours is still meant for me and only me. ilya&f.

Mixed

This is when facebook doesn't help at all.
Was suppose to forget the twentieth at least for this year since he is not around.
But each time I log on to facebook, terpampang sebesar-besar nah about our anniversary this Sunday. =(

I thought of doing something for him.
But i guess I've learnt from my lesson adn not to put too much high hopes.
It kills me and I tend to only hurt myself more and more.

I don't know why, I tend to always remind myself to be prepared for the worst all the time.
Maybe it's the haunting past.
Please God, I don't want a repeat of it anymore.
Please, please please God.
Grant me this little wish.

Thanks God.

It was never the same.

I'll still stay strong to my own beliefs and prinicple and it will always be.

Just you & me.

Date with love again today.
& he's back to ship.
Not this Uruguay ship though. Haha...
This is my ship for now.
Have a smooth sailing hunneyboo.
Will be waiting for your next, "I'm back".

imy too already syg. =((

When love's back...

Last Tuesday, we had our late night date again after so long.
Miz those dates...
Was so elated that Love's back that I cancel, postponed and even skip class the next day.
LOL!

But as usual, time flies when you're with your love ones.
& now he's back to work.
No calls and messages from him since last night. =(

Miz him so much already.

Yep, tak sedap hati but well, it all comes down to the big word, trust.

If someone I really trust can do it to the person's special someone, he can do it to me too. =/
Hopefully it's nothing like that, Insya'allah.
Please God!

Take care hunneyboo. ilyvm&ocmtylm.

Waiting...

Yep, I always find myself waiting.
Waiting for almost everything to happen.
Well, I hope with the patience, God show will lead me to the right path eventually.
Insyallah...

Lately, health hasn't been nice to me too.
So prone to getting flu nowadays. Hate it!!
Going to start work real soon.
I don't know how I am going to manage a center.
I know it's going to be hell for me at first but seriously hope things will get better few years after. Still have a lot to explore, learn and grasp.
Praying hard everything will goes smoothly for me despite the hurdles I'll be facing.
& guess what NIE wasn't my choice. Yahuu!!


While waiting for the calls, I've kept myself busy real well too.
Assignments, retail therapy, sourcing out for stuff and all.
Nevertheless, he's in my thoughts 24/7.
Can't escape that though.
When can I receieve that call and msg.
Hurry please, pretty please...

I'm worried about love so much today.
Suddenly I thought about how will he be if he fall sick.
There's nobody to take care of his medicine.
Rather is he taking any medicine.
Weather's really cold nowadays and love don like it too cold.
His cabin will surely be very cold.
Is there thick blankets for him?
Omg, I've never been this worried for love.

Dear God, please take care of my love.
Please do me this huge favour of looking after his health and safety for me.
Please send him back home real soon.
I'm missing him like crazy already.
Really really missing him. So bad...

Am waiting for his call every single second.
Can't bear to be away from my phone even for a while.
Though it's scary as hell to face the later part of him when he's back, I still want to see him safe.
That's all that matters.
Please God, I plead you.
I want my Sham back real soon.
If this is love, please give me strength God.
I need it so bad.
Please, please, please...

Broken

I don't have to state how my days were. It goes without saying. I guess I was on my verge, but I was proud of myself that I was still hanging on. Thursday was terrible. Really terrible that I have to skip lecture. Thanks to Beth for being ever so understanding. I didn't know it affect me so much. I didn't know I can be this weak and fragile. Amidst my effort to keep myself occupied and staying positive all the time, the surroundings around me were not helping as well.

I thought I got you to rely on but I guess I am still as alone as ever. Each time I feel like bursting it out to you, I don't think I need to anymore. Mainly because I am just a burden for you. I'm sorry to be this weak and fragile. Only God knows how I truly feel. If only you are in my shoes you'll know exactly how sucky it is to be me right now. But no, I don't want you to be in my state at all. Never!

The urge to message love and tell him in facebook failed all the time because I'm just so certain that I did not want to worry him. I don't want him to feel that he had brought all this to me. It is definitely not. It's just the sucky situation that we are so stuck in. I can't wait for more more years to pass and hopefully all this shit is over. Insyaallah.

Thanks God for showing me who are the people who are really here for me. It was such an eye-opener. Despite all the mess, alhumdulilah! I truly don't feel like talking to anyone about how I truly feel. At this point of my life, it would be really great if I can bring my family to far far away place. Where noone can recognize us. Boston can be a good place. Oh maybe, Italy. Wow! Too bad, finance is always an issue. Urgh!

Twentieth

Hunneyboo, it's our 47th twentieth.

Wish you're here with me buu.
Hope you are doing well at work too.
Will always pray for your safety and good health.
Come back soon hun.

Lonely

Now that blogs are not the 'IN thing anymore, I feel secure having to state down my thoughts and feelings here. Because basically I don't think anyone even bloghop anymore. Haha... I really wanted to blog since that past few days but somehow I was just so exhausted after doing reflections after reflections. So I rather head off to dream land or read that ne book of mine.

I don't know what attract me so much to this book that I bought it. I just started reading, so not so sure if it's that good. I'll either, watch How I met your mother or this, my new addiction:

Yes, I hate love story! Imran Khan, superr superrr hot hot hot. The movie was ok... and suddenly watching this part reminds me of someone again....

I hate weekends. I get so lonely every weekends. I sure do lack of friends. Feel like letting it out by messaging Sham in facebook or something. Maybe he could read sometime later. But nah... I don't find it good at all. Perhaps, I will just worry him which I should not be doing. I should be supporting what he's doing. He's not having a nice time too there with work. I really hope so though. Haish... but yea. Now I know how alone I'll feel without Sham and family.

Such a challenge for me when each time guys are free for me but not the girls. I'd really prefer the girls actuallie. Haish.... I shall not rant further. It's just a bore... Goodbye world.

You're the drug.

So last Thursday at 2 am, love called.
I was asleep already so, explained my mind was kindda not in the right state when he called.
Nevertheless, I was overjoyed like nobody's business.
HAHA!
& despite the long wait for his messages or calls, the most stupidest reply I could ever give him through his fb message was...

SYG SYG SYG SYG SYG?
Apehal ini Yus?
Takder lain nak reply ke? LOL!
Spells L.A.M.E times inifinity. =)

Ok this might sound pathethic (if love is reading, accpet this love), love never commented on anything eversince I have a fb acc.
& so i saw this in m notifications.

You just broke the record hun.
Haha...

Since love message me in fb, I think this is really a good means for me to say something to him while he is away.
His e-mail is wayyyy useless.
Full of junks!

Haha... i miss my man.
Like sooo much.
My weekends are always so boring to the max without him.
It's so hard to get friends to go out with me since they have their on plans with boyfriends as well.
Haish, I'm not even single yet I find it hard to find comapany.

& my desktop died on me.
There goes my How I Met Your Mother marathon.
How bored can I get?

Syg, I nak you. So bad. =(

Silence

I laugh, I smile, I joke, I giggle.
I congratulate myself for all that.
Nevertheless, recurring thoughts haunts me a lot.
I felt so bothered each time that I feel like running away from everyone to far far away land.
Being lonely has become my bestest of friend.
But i hate this best friend of mine.

"How faithful are you?"
"How much do you long for us?"

God, please, if you can, walk me through this mess.
I need your guidance.
Please God, good night.