If life's a remote control...

I could feel the rush of my adrenaline as i turned to my left, and saw a full speeding vehicle approaching me instead of you chasing to grab my hands. My heart skipped a beat and droplets of tears began rolling down my cheeks. Covering those tears just so you wouldn't notice, I began questioning myself, why wouldn't you there for me? Why was i left alone? & when I'm alone again, my mind wonders for the answer. Which then i realise that I'm losing you. I'm losing the 'you' whom i knew a few months back. The 'you' who will never let go of my hands wherever i go. The 'you' who was full of love and affection. I miss it so much. & now when i start reminiscing the past, i began to collect buckets and buckets of tears.

I'm tired of what life have put me through (though i know i shouldn't be feeling this way). How unfair life can be yet i still love you as much. At times i wonder why isn't there any explanation to it. & for other yous' who have been with me since the day i get to see the light. When you don't approve to my future and my only hope, my heart sank. I felt so crushed and weak. I'm stuck between love and life. I never want options because i want both. But why is life so cruel that we have to make sacrifices all the time. With so much sacrifices, how can anyone enjoy life?

I believe there isn't any single soul who could understand how i truly feel right now. What more understanding this entry of mine. I just thought i could just pen down my thoughts here. Trying very hard to put it to nice words so that sorrows sounds like joy and joy sounds like little giggles that are able to accompany this loneliness throughout the night.

'Hope'. The word that I've always been using. Practically because I've been hoping and hoping that things will get better for us each passing day. With that word too, i dared to dream for our future. The future that will not only bring two hearts together but also a complete home just like a jigsaw puzzle without any missing parts. When you decided to find other people instead of me a moment ago, my heart felt terribly painful. Like it was just stabbed by a very sharp knife. I was weakened by your actions. Maybe i was 'hoping' too much but i can't help doing it because you have been my only hope and it will always be come what may.

I have always been looking forward for my future. Since young, thinking about my future will carve a smile on my face. Least did i know that besides having other phobias and fear, i have no other fears but just my future. My biggest fear now, having to live life without you, brings the greatest impact in my life. I i know falling too deep only results in hurt and separation, i will never allow myself to fall ever. I never dared to close my eyes anymore to dream about the future. But if i could, I'd rather live in the past because i was much happier back then. If only life's a remote control... everyone would be satisfied.